Saturday, December 10, 2011

It's been a while.





Right now I am day dreaming (night dreaming, while awake?) of days to come. I am in my kitchen/living room combo area, in my no-longer new apartment, with my often long-lost roommate a few paces off to the left of me. It feels good right now. At the moment, I am in the belly of the beast with school. Finals week of my second to last semester of college. Lately a lot of topics have been thrown around in school, or between friends. The big F word comes up a lot. No, not the run of the mill four letter variety, but the bigger one, the one that seems more offensive yet desirable as word could be: FUTURE. Everyone grapples with it and I've had my head stuck in futureville for some time now. 

When I returned home from the Southwest this summer I was feeling pretty lost. (I still am, to some extent). It was yet another life changing summer, but this time in different ways. I'm not sure I'm ready to detail anything on the internet yet, especially considering my thoughts about hypercontectivity these days, needless to say, it was big. I left with a whole new batch of questions about life, and where I want to be and what I want to do with myself. A lot of this was sparked by a more subtle reason: I might have fallen out of love with design. Or at least that's the way it has felt this semester, and this past summer as well. I never thought twice about 'design.' I didn't feel the loss and separation from school as I have with other years. In the past, the summers have always started off a little rough. I'd feel a bit empty. After all, you work so hard in the last month of school it becomes your life, and when that end, if only temporarily, it feels a little strange. I didn't get that this year though. I didn't miss school, philadelphia, or the design world. It wasn't that I was actively setting aside former interests, it was just that, they seemed just that former

Discussions this semester have shed light on other sides of design in the world. Not just the sexy product stuff, of the science-y material side, but the designing of something less tangible. Designing interaction, or systems, or feelings even. It's gotten me more interested, sure. But I am still not there. I have yet to feel a surge of creativity, inspiration, or motivation. Nothing really. I am great at thinking of places I would rather be. Philadelphia still doesn't feel like home to me yet. It did at one point, but not now. I am just here for the time being, finishing what I started, waiting for the next chapter. At the same time though, I really resent myself for not enjoying what I have here to the fullest extent. There have been many successful efforts to make the most of the wonderful relationship that exists in our class and I am very thankful for those times, and the people I have shared them with. At the end of they day though, I am sad about the fact that I would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. Sometimes, It can feel like the end can't come soon enough. 

But, I am going to stop before I get any farther away from the reason I started writing. I've been pretty absent from my blog for a lot of reasons lately. First, it was my summer in New Mexico. And then it became the start of the school year. After that... I had no desire to share anything. Every time I tried to start a post it felt forced. I shouldn't blog because I have to, I should do it because I want to. Blogging has been filed, along with many other things, under the header of 'dormant creativity.' I want that spark back. It seems like something isn't syncing up. But right now, twenty minutes ago actually, I felt the need to start writing. And writing something to share, as small as my audience might be, it's nice to share things once in a while. Things are good right now. I am not nearly as stressed out as I could be considering the time of year, and I have lots of things to look forward to in the next month. Even if I have been in a bit of a funk for the past few months, one thing I have carried with me from the summer was a faith in the universe, to be put so broadly. Everything does happen for a reason, and it all works itself out in the end. As of a week from now, I will have about four months of school left, and a whole word of possibilities in front of me. I just have to make sure I have fun on the way there. 

1 comments:

barefootrooster.com said...

hey there. thanks for sharing all of this. just wanted to throw in some extra encouragement -- the big F certainly looms (and will continue to), but meditating on what you want, what feels like you or feels like home, and how those things change -- that's the important stuff (and also the hard stuff). even if we have plans, sometimes it is really easy to just follow what we've envisioned, instead of constantly checking in with those ideas, with the prospect of imagined futures, to see whether they still fit, or whether the present is pushing us to revise, to explore other things. being in a place where the future is uncertain, where we let our ideas and plans change, means we're actually letting the present in to influence who we are, where we go, and what we do.

(and i certainly don't say any of this from a position of been there, done that -- i'm still well in the middle of this process, and some days, working to remind myself of how much it matters to do this kind of reflection. because it's hard, and it doesn't always feel good.)

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